


Mend Even Disaster

by chase_acow



Category: TV Commercials
Genre: Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-01
Updated: 2011-08-01
Packaged: 2017-10-22 01:55:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/232438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chase_acow/pseuds/chase_acow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He'd just wanted a fucking vacation, somewhere to unwind for a while, not to stumble into a chariot race on the goddamn beach.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mend Even Disaster

**Author's Note:**

> Total crack, incomprehensible storyline, stolen dialog from the Old Spice commercials. I can point it out if anyone's confused.

"I'm a confused man on vacation," Mayhem said, blinking the water out of his eyes. The spring-fed pool cleaned his skin and cooled his temper. He'd just wanted a fucking vacation, somewhere to unwind for a while, not to stumble into a chariot race on the goddamn beach. "This doesn't usually happen to me like this."

"Yes, I know," the race winner said, managing with a few simple touches to make Mayhem's suit strip away and disappear into the bushes. "I have that effect on people, and most warm-blooded animals, as well as plants. Some rock deposits are also attracted to my … magnetism."

Mayhem squinted and furtively looked for the hidden camera or the insurance monkeys waiting to descend on the scene. He couldn't quite remember how he'd gotten from near-certain death trampled under the hooves of runaway equines to lounging against sculpted rock in a tasteful yet manly water feature. There should have been more explosions, more people screaming and pointing at him, cursing the day they ever laid eyes on him.

"You need to relax."

"How the hell did you … _oh_ ," Mayhem trailed off, melting back into the stranger's hands who had somehow situated himself behind Mayhem. Warm water lapped at his chest, and the pool had become a secluded hot tub, but Mayhem could only concentrate on the fingers currently taking him apart one knot of tension at a time.

"Stress is a toxin, a toxin that takes time away from me, the man you should be paying attention to," the man said, massaging Mayhem's shoulders, shampooing his hair, and giving him a foot rub all at once. "Here, turn this way."

Cleaned, styled, coifed, and strangely smelling like Fiji put in a bottle, Mayhem found himself straddling the other man's lap. A very naked lap. This couldn't be good.

"I'm a naked man about to get fucked," Mayhem said, rather redundantly, but he still felt that it deserved saying. He winced, waiting for the water to boil them alive, or a plane full of interconnected strangers to crash land on a beach, or maybe for chimpanzees to wage a war for world domination. Something most insurance companies wouldn't cover.

"Don't worry, be happy. I'm the man of your dreams, dreams that have become a reality, reality that has surpassed veracity, veracity that has become … that thing you like."

" _That thing I like?_ Are you completely insane?" Mayhem wiggled trying to get loose from an obviously unhinged, insurance dodger. Unfortunately, he ended up pressing their lower bodies closer together so he couldn't possibly miss the thick rod prodding him in his ass.

In response, the man held up a chocolate covered strawberry with one hand and a box of extra large, ribbed condoms with the other. He tilted his head and quirked his eyebrow. "Completely insane? No," he said, popping the strawberry in Mayhem's mouth, then dropping his hand under the water to prepare his way. "Completely and wonderfully manly? Yes. You're in good hands now."

Mayhem leaned back into the fingers stretching him open. He moaned, selfishly hoping he could get through the next ten minutes without destroying everything he touched. The man nosed up his throat, licking and nibbling at the line of his adam's apple until their lips caught together.

Fireworks. Tsunamis. The complete and total wreckage of an uninsured vacation home by hippies high on special brownies trying to commune with Mother Nature.

Mayhem sagged into the stranger, boneless from the most amazing orgasm he'd ever had. His ass wasn't even sore, just stretched with that thoroughly pounded kind of feeling. He took a deep breath, luxuriating in the clean, crisp scent of a Cyprus forest and thought, _I'm a satisfied guy floating on cloud nine._

"Come with me back to my jungle palace staffed with the rarest of Pygmy natives who will anticipate your every need," the man said, running his fingers through Mayhem's hair and curling softly around Mayhem's neck. "We can sip nectar from unicorn horns under starlight and run naked through fields of sunflowers that follow my every move."

"Okay," Mayhem said, leaning against the man's muscular yet soft and welcoming shoulder. He'd been meaning to look into other job opportunities anyway. Insurance wasn't really the fast track to happiness anymore. "I just have one question."

"Yes?"

Mayhem rocked from side to side, thankful that the stranger had supernaturally perfect balance. "How the fuck did we get on this horse?" he asked, flinching when the white charger whinnied and tossed its mane in the slight breeze coming off the ocean.

"Anything is possible when your man smells like a man, man," the man said, tipping Mayhem's chin up for another toe-curling kiss.


End file.
